Pushing Girls into Sprinklers, Etc.

Kim raises an interesting question: isn't it presumptuous for me to think that what I saw in my last post as a triumph of spontaneity--pushing a girl into a sprinkler--was an experience she enjoyed? Kim, I'm afraid the answer is no. You may not be aware, but girls have a special look of ecstatic outrage that is every flirtatious guy's reward. Girls from elementary school on perfect it for better mating success. The proportion of ecstasy to outrage varies by the girl. Some like the shock to be dominant, some prefer the barely-contained laughter. In any case, the look gives the same message.

The look--eyes bright and wide, mouth agape but curving toward a smile--is a rare one because it corresponds to a narrow line of thought. Angry faces, for example, are a response to the vast array of circumstances that can make someone angry: lack of sleep, late bus, bad test, etc. This look, however, only maps to one thought (personal internal rephrasing permitted): "I can't believe I'm special enough to deserve such attention!"

I have to take the time here to note that adults always peg the attention-grabbing on the boy. He--the one pulling the girls' hair or running through their jump rope game or otherwise causing a disruption--is "just trying to get attention," they say. But pay careful note: the girl's look is her acknowledgment of being singled out. The look is a heart-fluttering response to being noticed. The boy isn't trying to get attention as much as he's trying to give attention. The look is the girl's appreciation of that. It's not as simple as the lustful boys trying to corrupt the girls on the playground with their dirty tricks. It's sub-verbal communication of desire on all ends. Realizing this equalizes the situation: "it's all about attention." Duh. The teachers playing wise aren't immune from the game either if they've noticed.

But I digress. That was a lot of abstract verbs. Let's bring it back to sprinklers. You may wonder why boys are always doing such horrible things if all they want is to talk. The answer is that they don't want the situation to be unfair. A guy being sweet to a girl equals him being sweet on the girl. And he doesn't want to play his hand when he doesn't know how the girl feels in response! You can see, then, that love is only developed against the neutral backdrop of slightly mean things.

Here's an example. One year in school, a guy I'm really tempted to use his real name on but will resist and call Tyler instead knew that a girl I'll call Stephanie liked him. They had been "talking" and would go on to date. But at this point in the relationship Tyler just wanted to test the waters. It was homecoming season and practically the only thing anybody talked about was who was going with whom. Tyler, knowing this, walks up to Stephanie during the passing period and asks her a question. "Hey Steph, will you go to homecoming with me?"

Stephanie, who's ridiculously longing for Tyler, instantly agrees.

"Oh," Tyler says. "I forgot, I'm not going to homecoming."

And then he didn't.

If naivety is a good defense, Tyler's original planned called for this as a warm-up to the other girl he wanted to try it on. He was a little disappointed that Stephanie was friends with the other girl and cried to her about it. The nerve of some people.

My point is that I don't consider Tyler a completely horrible person. Mostly horrible, maybe, but he got most of the steps right. He wanted to make Stephanie feel noticed. He showed great forethought in his timing, word choice, and so on. His problem wasn't even that he wanted her to know that she would say yes, he just didn't contribute to an even distribution of knowledge. He roped her in but stayed out himself.

But as long as you're willing to engage, anything is fair: sprinklers to be pushed in, toilet paper to be lovingly wrapped around houses and cars, Facebook statuses to be updated with cryptic inside jokes. It's the still certainty that comes with a defined relationship that can capsize some people. But Kim, who could resist a face full of Florida sprinkler water? You should find a guy and try it out some time. If you want to sub-verbally communicate and all that, you know.