I went to go see The Dark Knight at the student union Friday. Every week they have showings of recently out-of-theaters movies which are mostly attended by foreign students who probably don't understand them very much. (For example, I saw Tropic Thunder a week or two ago, and there is no way a non-native speaker would understand the bare outlines of the plot: that actors were trying to make a movie but it became real and they had to become the mature band of brothers they were pathetically acting.)
Well, the last showing was at 11:30. I couldn't get there until 11, and when I did the bulging, informal line wrapped to the end of the hall and was starting to snake its way back. A line heading two ways with no physical marker distinguishing them is like marriage: as soon as the doors are opened, the two become one and what looked like a civilized arrangement becomes unfairly entangled.
Knowing all the people I do, though, on my way to the turgid back of the line I saw a friend. A back-up friend, anyway. One of those friends who you're friends with when you don't have any real friends. The feeling is mutual, I'm sure. No offense, Lauren.
I stopped for a friendly hello and we chatted for a few minutes while we both knew I was analyzing the line situation. I finally confessed I was thinking of just standing there and being a tag-along, which Lauren encouraged me to do. But the moral determinants of my decision were too great to avoid thought. Lauren didn't believe it could possibly take me longer than ten seconds to decide.
"It's an easy decision," she said. "Either you do... or you don't."
"Either you go to war, or you don't. Either you marry somebody, or you don't," I retorted. "Easy." I'm taking the LSAT in three weeks and will be more pleasant once I don't impose logic on my relationships.
But now I feel like I need to explain why it was such a difficult decision, with lots of ellipses to show how long I thought about it.
Why not be Lauren's friend for the night? I asked myself. Well, since there are a limited number of seats, by taking one of them I'm effectively taking one away from someone else... but since the end of the line is screwy, the seat that I would take might just as well be taken by the last guy to start standing in line...
of course, other people cutting doesn't justify me cutting, but it certainly cuts back on the harms involved: if half the people in line didn't start at the back, then there's only a one-in-two chance that the guy I'd be taking a seat from would deserve it more than me...
and if he didn't deserve it more than me, then it comes down to connections and me having friends in line ahead of him...
on the other hand, all the foreign students probably don't know how this works and will stand in line because they don't have friends they can stand in line with...
but maybe that's the cost of being a foreigner, since I'd expect something like that to happen if I were in China...
but maybe I would count that kind of injustice as something contemptible about China...
but life isn't fair...
but that's a stupid justification...
well even if the guy I'm cutting out did start at the back, the only reason I think it's wrong for him not to get the seat is because he was expecting it, but with a crowd of 300+, no one's expectations would be disappointed because no one could accurately tell if they'd get in...
plus, I had planned to join my brother and his friends, and would have felt no qualms about jumping in line with them since I had asked them to save me a spot...
but since I didn't plan on seeing Lauren and her friends, maybe that doesn't count...
but I was planning on going...
but planning can only carry you so far in deserving a space...
but maybe desire can carry you the rest? I was in China when it came out, after all, and didn't have access to it...
well, it's certainly something I could do, since I've been standing with Lauren for almost half an hour now, and no one knows or cares that I didn't come with her...
And so I end right where I started: with the ability to get it, and a lack of wisdom about doing it. I decided that the decision wasn't clear-cut, and that the part about joining my brother and his friends convinced me that it's not always required to start at the back.
So Lauren introduced me to all of her friends, and we waited another few minutes, and then we went in and saw The Dark Knight. I didn't like it. But I did have my own soul-searching moment getting in, so that made it worth it. Or did it...
Sunday, November 16, 2008
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ok, here is MY moral dilemma of the weekend. I was working for the first time at Band Concessions at the high school football game. One hour led to the next, with people coming up to my window in a steady stream. I was enjoying it all.
Then, a teenage girl comes up and says to me in a hushed, rushed voice. "I don't have any money. Tell my xxx (couldn't understand this) that you're out of nachos, ok?"
Immediately upon which she pulls in front of her, a four-year old little boy who had been obviously crying and still had the last of the tears running down his cheeks. The girl now says to me, "So lady, do you have nachos?"
Well, the true answer was "yes, we have a lot of nachos. And although we are selling them like hotcakes, we may not be able to sell them all since we made so much". But now stammering with confusion about what is the proper way to handle this conversation- I didn't want to lie, but on the other hand, what would it do the little guy if I said, "yes, we have lots of nachos"?
So I said, "well, I don't know". It was my best, albeit miserable, attempt at not lying. At which time, the girl bent down to her "brother?" and held out a lollipop ($.25) and said, "look, the lady says there are no nachos. Just eat this lollipop" and they walked away from my window.
The whole thing happened in one minute. I barely had time to consider what to do when it was over.
Although it bothers me deeply to lie, when I lived in China I would sometimes get back to our dorm room and realize I had lied. Not on purpose, but the situation came piling upon me and I didn't know what to do and had to choose and ended up not telling the truth.
So I chalk this situation up to that same event- I'm doing something new to me, something unexpectedly happens, and you just make a choice about what to do and sort out the right and wrong of it later. (This is of course the opposite of your dilemma which you analyzed to death).
Anyway, later, some broke rotc girls who were hungry came up to my window when the Big Boss lady was there. They told their story to me and she overheard it. I was quite amazed when the Boss Lady said, "if you're hungry I'll buy you some food. Here's a trash bag. (I thought it was nice and small). Go fill it with trash and when you bring it back I'll get you a burger each." Sure enough, the girls went to the visitor side of the bleachers and brought back a bag of trash. The Boss Lady pulled a $10 out of her pocket and gave it to me to pay for the girls' burgers. (total $4).
Her compassion was very moving to me. She made a way for those hungry girls to get the food, without it being just a handout. The amount she spent was small, but it did a lot of good.
Now, if only I could figure out what to do next time I have that little boy at my window.
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